I am suffering from a problems that is psychological and social at the same time. When I was small I was raped by one of my relatives and I am not sure that he caused me to lose my innocence (virginity), which had a negative impact on my psyche. I used to cry all night when I was sleeping and no one realised. Then during secondary school, before university, a young man came to our house to study and he told me that he wants to marry me. I told him everything quite frankly and he replied that it is in the past and that he does not mind. I will not hide from you the fact since that time we have spoken on the phone frequently and my family are aware of that. Now he is in the last year of university. I want to know, is that haraam? And am I considered as submitting to the decree of Allah? If that is not the case then what should I do?.
Praise be to Allaah.
A person may not know the real reason for which Allah tests him in this world until the Day of Resurrection, when he will discover the high status that Allah, may He be exalted, has prepared for him in Paradise if he is patient and seeks reward. At that time he will realise that Allah, may He be exalted, tried and tested him by His grace and in His wisdom.
It was narrated from Jaabir (may Allah be pleased with him) that the Messenger of Allah (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) said: “On the Day of Resurrection, those who were hale and hearty will wish that their skin had been cut with scissors, when they see the reward of those who were put to trial.”
Narrated by at-Tirmidhi, 2402; classed as hasan by al-Albaani in as-Silsilah al-Hadeethah, 2206
It seems that you have, praise be to Allah, overcome that situation and its psychological effects; in fact I hope that you have emerged psychologically stronger, with higher morale and a purer spirit, for in every trial there is a blessing and after every calamity comes well being. No one should regret what has passed and dwell on the past that will never come back; rather he should learn a lesson from it for today and be optimistic about his future.
In your story there is a lesson for parents who are responsible for their children before Allah, may He be exalted, that they should not send them to places of danger on the grounds of thinking well of relatives. The unfortunate reality compels us to say that many cases of molestation come from relatives. We ask Allah to keep us safe and sound.
This is not a call to sever ties of kinship and cause division among people; rather it is a call to be always careful and take precautions as dictated by the situation. Parents have to take proper precautions without going to extremes or being negligent. Islam has given us an important principle in this regard, which is the principle of blocking the means (that may lead to evil). In fact Islam teaches us to take precautions even among siblings in the same house. That was when the Prophet (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) instructed us to separate children in their beds, as was narrated by Abu Dawood (495) and classed as saheeh by al-Albaani.
Al-Munaawi (may Allah have mercy on him) said: i.e., separate your children in their beds in which they sleep when they reach the age of ten years, so as to avoid temptations, even if they are his siblings.
End quote from Fayd al-Qadeer, 5/531]
At-Teebi (may Allah have mercy on him) said: Telling them to pray and separating them in their beds are mentioned together in childhood for the purpose of discipline and adhering to all the commands of Allah… And for the purpose of teaching them good manners among people, and so that they will not find themselves in suspicious circumstances, and so that they may avoid all things that Allah has prohibited.
End quote from Sharh Mishkaat al-Masaabeeh, 2/155
In your story there is also a lesson for parents that they should check on their children’s situations and make the children get used to talking frankly about every issue they face, whether it is in school, in the street or in the home. Many children encounter problems and suffer mental illness as a result, and the parents are completely unaware of that, when they could have relieved their children of what was affecting them. But lack of frankness within the family leads to embarrassment in the children that prevents them from complaining to their parents.
With regard to what you mentioned about the young man who has proposed marriage to you, and your speaking frankly to him and telling him what happened to you when you were small, and his accepting it and not objecting – that is a blessing from Allah to you. Allah has brought you someone who will excuse you for what happened to you when you were small and will conceal a matter in which you were mistreated, and he wants to marry you you in the manner prescribed by Allah. May Allah reward him with good.
But you made a mistake when you continued to talk to one another before the shar‘i connection between you was made (i.e., marriage). You could have done the Islamic marriage contract and delayed consummation of the marriage until he graduates or finds work. But if the matter is allowed to remain as it is now, that is undoubtedly haraam, because there is no legitimate shar‘i relationship between you. Rather all it is at present is wishes and promises of marriage.
What you have to do is adhere to the Islamic ruling; it is not permissible for you to continue talking to one another until the shar‘i marriage contract has been done. If he is sincere in his promise to marry you, then he will respond to the ruling of Allah and will hasten to do the marriage contract, or he will cut off contact until he graduates. If he does not respond to the ruling of Allah, may He be exalted, then be very careful in that case, for his aim may be only to have fun and pass the time talking to girls, in which case he is using the promise of marriage as a means to get what he wants, especially if he knows the situation; this may be an opportunity for the Shaytaan to whisper to him and cause trouble.
You do not have to tell any suitor of what happened to you, and it does not matter if the hymen has been broken, because the hymen may be broken by jumping or by heavy menstrual bleeding.
We have previously published on our website several answers having to do with the ruling on talking and chatting between the sexes, such as the answers to questions no. 7492, 13791, 26890, 45668, 66266, 82702
We ask Allah, may He be exalted, to protect you, guide you and bless you with contentment and happiness.
And Allah knows best.